People often come to therapy and tell me, “I just want to be happy.” I’ve heard this so many times that it’s made me pause and reflect. What is this happiness we’re all chasing? Is it a destination — a stable, permanent state we eventually arrive at? The more I sit with this question, both personally and professionally, the more I believe: happiness isn’t a place we live in. It’s not a final stop.

What I believe we’re really searching for is connection.

Dr. Gabor Maté, a physician and renowned expert on trauma and addiction, often emphasizes that connection — not happiness, not success, not even healing — is the essential human need. In his words: “The essence of trauma is disconnection from the self.” And I’d add — from others, too.

When we are connected — to ourselves, to others, to meaning — we feel alive. We feel seen. We feel less alone in the chaos. Connection doesn’t erase pain, but it gives it context. It gives us a hand to hold when the waves come crashing in. When we’re connected, suffering doesn’t isolate us — it binds us closer.

On the flip side, disconnection can be deadly. Loneliness is now considered one of the greatest public health threats of our time. We die — not just metaphorically, but literally — from isolation. The body keeps score, as another great trauma therapist Bessel van der Kolk says, and that scorecard gets heavier the more disconnected we are.

Therapy, at its core, is not about making someone “happy.” It’s about making someone whole again — and wholeness is relational. My role isn’t to lead people to happiness like a tour guide with a map. It’s to sit with them in their pain, help them reconnect to parts of themselves they’ve had to exile for survival, and foster the kind of relationships — inside and outside the therapy room — where authenticity and vulnerability can breathe.

Connection during the hard times is what gets us through. We all have hard times. There’s no bypassing that. But when we have someone to lean on, when we feel known and loved in our rawest states, we stop asking, “Am I happy?” and start feeling something deeper — I’m not alone. I belong. I matter.

And maybe that’s the kind of happiness we were looking for all along.