The Path to Forgiveness in Couples: An Emotionally Focused Therapy Perspective
by: Jennifer Taun MSW RSW Therapist at North Bay Counselling Services
Forgiveness in romantic relationships is one of the most difficult—and most transformative—emotional tasks a couple can face. Whether the rupture stems from betrayal, emotional neglect, or repeated misunderstandings, the hurt can linger beneath the surface of daily life, quietly eroding trust and connection.
From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, forgiveness is not about forgetting or excusing harmful behavior. It’s about healing the emotional wounds that disconnect us, restoring the bond, and rebuilding a safe haven between partners. EFT, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, offers a powerful roadmap for this process—one rooted in attachment, emotional responsiveness, and the deep need we all share to feel securely connected.
Understanding Forgiveness Through the Lens of Attachment
At the heart of EFT is the idea that love is an attachment bond. When that bond is threatened—by betrayal, harsh words, or withdrawal—the injured partner feels abandoned or unsafe. In this vulnerable state, anger, sadness, and fear surface as protest responses to disconnection.
Forgiveness, in EFT, involves repairing this attachment injury. It’s not just a cognitive decision—it’s an emotional transformation that happens in the context of a safe, attuned relationship. EFT views forgiveness as a relational event, not a solitary act.
The EFT Forgiveness Model: A Three-Stage Journey
Dr. Johnson and her colleagues have developed a structured process for healing injuries within the EFT framework. Here’s what that typically looks like:
1. Uncovering the Pain: Creating a Safe Space for the Injured Partner
The journey begins with validating and exploring the emotional pain caused by the injury. The therapist helps the hurt partner articulate the depth of their experience—not just what happened, but how it impacted their sense of safety, worth, and connection.
This stage is not about rushing toward resolution. It’s about witnessing the wound without defensiveness. The partner who caused harm is supported in staying present, listening, and regulating their own emotional responses.
Key EFT principle: Emotions are not the enemy—they are the pathway to healing.
2. Reaching for and Offering Repair: Emotional Engagement
Once the injured partner feels seen and understood, the therapist helps the offending partner begin to share their own vulnerable emotions—often shame, regret, fear of being rejected, or deep sadness over having caused harm.
This is a crucial turning point. When both partners can show up with vulnerability and empathy, a new emotional experience begins to emerge: a shared understanding of pain and longing. The offending partner takes responsibility, not just with words, but through emotionally congruent expression.
This phase often includes a heartfelt apology—but more than words, it’s about the emotional accessibility and responsiveness that rebuild trust.
Key EFT principle: Healing happens in moments of emotional attunement.
3. Rebuilding the Bond: A New Dance of Connection
With the injury acknowledged and empathy flowing between partners, the couple can begin to craft a new narrative—one that includes the wound, but also their resilience. The relationship is no longer frozen in pain, but moving forward with new patterns of emotional engagement.
Forgiveness, at this point, is not the erasure of the past. It’s a choice, supported by emotional experience, to risk connection again. The injured partner can soften, and the relationship becomes a place of healing rather than hurt.
Key EFT principle: Secure bonds make space for repair, growth, and renewed connection.
Why Forgiveness in EFT Is Different
Traditional models of forgiveness can sometimes emphasize logic over emotion, or pressure the injured partner to “let go” before they’re ready. EFT honors that real forgiveness cannot be rushed. It must be earned through emotional presence, safety, and responsiveness.
This process is not linear—couples may revisit stages as new emotions emerge. But through it all, EFT provides a secure map for navigating pain with compassion.
Forgiveness in couples therapy is not a weak surrender—it’s a courageous choice to lean into vulnerability, to repair what was broken, and to reweave the threads of love and trust. In the hands of a skilled EFT therapist, couples are not just learning communication skills—they are rewriting the emotional music of their relationship.
And when forgiveness truly happens, it leaves not just relief—but renewed intimacy and a deeper, more secure connection.
If you and your partner are struggling with hurt that feels hard to move past, consider working with an trained therapist. Healing is possible—and it begins with understanding, empathy, and the willingness to reach for each other again.
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